i'm here to help you

garlicdicer @ 2004-12-02T20:18:00

2004-12-02T18:22:16Z

ello ello i'm BACK and populah than eva, it seems!

due to popular demand i shall now answer more questions, only ONE DAY(!!!!!!!!!!) after having answered miss fuck puppet of doom's very important question that was important enough for me to wait, um, three months to answer.

anyway.

kalieris asks:
One simple question, and then probably another one. And another after that.

1) Are Tegan and Sara named after Dr. Who assistants?

2) Is the world out to get me, and if so will buying it an ice cream cone distract it enough that I can then stab it to death with impunity?

3) And most importantly: What flavor of ice cream would the world prefer, and does it like sugar, cake, or waffle cones better? If waffle: dipped, sprinkle, or plain. The devil's food is in the details.
dear kalieris,
i see you have numbered your question in an organized list. you need to have more sex. fuck puppet of doom is not currently allowed to have sex, but i know a medicated badger who (though quite tied down at the moment) would love to. also, i am available for a quickie between 3:50 and 8:47 every monday. many a-quickie. mmmmmmm. and maybe some long hot lovemaking. slow, breathtaking, beautiful lovemaking. or fast, hard, scratching-backs animal sex. we could use my bed or kitchen table or floor or basement dungeon, i have whips and liquid latex and leather within reach at all times. remember this, readers. i am one horny ass garlic dicer and i aim to please.
someone asked me a question. who the fuck was it. oh! kalieris! ok, so:
1) tegan & sara are not named after dr. who assistants. everyone with half a brain knows that tegan & sara are two alien twins who split the gay egg and are named for the mystical beings of gay. tegan was a goddess who would bathe in the sunlight in her beautiful garden. tegan's garden was green and blossoming with every imaginable flower. her maidens would bathe her naked body with their bare hands, rubbing soap all over her womanly curves, even ones that didn't need to be rubbed quite so much but were rubbed anyway. tegan's attractive, rounded breasts would glisten in the sun and her voice carried to a great distance, like a love song to her lover in a faraway land. sara was a drag queen in new york city. she died of drug overdose.
2. the world is out to get you, but an ice cream cone would get you nowhere without ice cream in it! although, if you use the ice cream cone for sex you might be able to get away with murder. but then i would have nowhere to live so i think i would not answer your questions anymore.
3. nope. not answering.
er.
well.
it's strawberry with chocolate-dipped cone. have fun. now i'm really really hungry. bahsuckass.

and now, dear readers, i must go and finish my notes for i have a test tomorrow. on um. garlic dicing. uh huh. i will answer more of your questions later.

au revoir!

yours,
garlic dicer

garlicdicer @ 2004-12-01T18:17:00

2004-12-01T16:28:53Z

hello dear readers,

you have not sent me very many questions in a while, therefore i did not update. you are to blame. yes, you are. i shall at once gather up my horsemen and go on a vendetta against each and every one of you. remember, this journal logs your IP numbers and i can trace my readers. i will knock down doors, i will destroy whole villages, no one shall be saved!

no one, except anonymous, who shall be referred to as fuck puppet of doom, and who is a holy saint in the church where garlic dicer is god!!!!!!!!!!.

on to the question.

miss fuck puppet of doom asks:
if the rain in spain falls mainly on the plain, how is it that the quest for the holy muffin is taking so long? In addition, if the plural of goose is geese, why is the plural of mongoose mongooses?
dear fuck puppet (may i call you fuck puppet?),
if the rain in spain falls mainly in the plain, then the quest for the holy muffin is taking too long because we've run out of sheep. they drown in the mud, you see, and their wooly little legs drag along the muds until they no longer look like beautiful white sheep but, well, pieces of crap with legs, and therefore must be abandoned on the side of the road yelling for help. then the lone rainbow hunter picks them up and feeds them to his family. that is the agreement. THAT IS THE LAW. and man, he makes damn good lambchops. deeeeeelicious. if the rain in spain did not fall mainly in the plain, it would mean that the flowers are in bloom and you must walk in the green path towards the kingdom of unusual furry animals and hump the first guy in a bearsuit you see. but it does not. which means, NO SEX FOR YOU! BWAHAHAHAHA! in addition, the plural of mongoose is mongeese, and you are a very stupid yet holy woman.

thank you.

yours,
garlic dicer (of doom and destruction, i say!)

garlicdicer @ 2004-09-21T20:44:00

2004-09-21T18:03:30Z

ello ello it is i! i! yes i. now shutup. you bitches ain't sending no questions so i ain't writing no answers. send me questions. please. i haven't eaten since may. i am hungry. feeeeeeeeeeed me. feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed me.

miss jumping around insanely asks:
Dear garlicdicer,
I have a terrible problem ,two actually...but we will address them as two unconnected ones for the purpose of this whatever...yeah....
1. I have no syntax of my own! What can I do?
2. There is this song that keeps running through my head! it goes something like Jean luc picard of the uss enterprise...except it is not! It is about an existentialist writer! help me! What can I do?
As you can clearly see, these two problems are closely connected, but we will treat them as separate entities for the purpose of ease.
Thank you for your attention to this matter.
zazuomgwtf
dear miss zazu,
obviously one of your problems is very stupid and one of your problems is of great importance. but, i ask, which is which? how shall i, a plain old garlic dicer, determine which one of your problems is ass backwards stupid and which one is the epitome of importance?
ahh, good question, garlic dicer. you always were a clever one. the answer is this: i shall flip a coin.
*flips a coin*
*loses it*
*goes on a quest to hunt said coin*
*comes back without it*
okay, umm.
right. obviously your first question sucks. you don't need your own syntax. here, have mine. *hands it to you*
now, for your question of uber importance: the only way to cure playing over and over again songs in your head about spaceship-flying existentialist philosophers is to listen to some REALLY DYKEY MUSIC. i suggest melissa ferrick, "drive", and some tegan & sara. cause they're canadian. and gay. though that was a given when i said that they're canadian. another solution to your problem would be to run around naked while yelling "THE CHICKENS ARE COMING, HIDE YOUR HORSES!" for a whole day. i hope that helped.

sylvia (under another one of her silly aliases) asks:
dear garlicdicer,

why is there no more juice left in the house? i have nothing to refresh my dry, dry mouth. also, why is it so cold in the middle of may?

love and rhubarb custard,

le pallas
dear sylvia,
your juice was quite obviously stolen by gay french aliens such as atomiczinger. they sneak into your home, steal your juice and use it for their evil kinky sex rituals, their plan to take over the world, and getting vitamin C. their evil kinky sex rituals, while great fun (as a garlic dicer i've been the center of quite a few of those, and let me tell you, gay french aliens are unbelievably creative when dicing their garlic, and their limbs are long and nimble), are very very dangerous to your juice. i cannot tell you more, because they are watching me. everywhere. all the time. they have installed their cameras inside my metallic garlic dicer bowels and are taking pictures of my thoughts, hopes and dreams. get away. GET AWAY. ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn. ruuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.

and ah, it's september now so: problem solved WOOHOO. *eats custard*

edithmatilda asks:
Dear Garlicdicer,

My feet feel funny. But mainly I wanted to ask why it's so cold.

Oh. the window's open. In that case, could you tell me the meaning of life instead?

Much thank.
dear edithmatilda,
it is cold because you are stupid and only stupid people are cold. what you do to become more intelligent is this: install a heating system in your house and get some sweaters. zazuomgwtf has many, she can give them to you. in the meantime, stay out of the water. there are alligators there. they whisper dirty lies in your dreams while you shower and hide under your missing socks. one day, they will get you. yes, yes, they will. and you will have nowhere to run. but your feet will tell you jokes as you burn slowly, wrapped in toast with a frog on your head.

and that is all.

thank you.

have a nice day.

send questions.

bastards.

yours,
garlic dicer tehamazing!1!!~11one.

brad i'm mad for you too

2004-05-07T13:17:45Z

THE GARLICDICER LIVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

mother asks:
dear garlicdicer,
it has been a long time since my last posty-thingy and i didn't know where to send it and stuff.. so i'm just gonna write it as a comment...

Little fluffy animals are sending me messages using milk bottles and frog alarm clock. they keep saying : look north.many come.eat at Joe's . seven . kill the hobbits.

what are those hobbits and what would make them dead?
hobbits are particularly gay creatures residing in the infamous shire. they are inherently gay, of course, and they lock up their females in cellars for reproduction purposes. they are called the hobbitsexslaves. only, no, they aren't. they're called candy apples. yes! yes! candy apples! and so, mother, whenever you eat a delicious candy apple, think about those poor girl hobbits who sacrifice themselves every day for the pleasure of a tasty treat and continuation of the hobbit race. and therefore, mother, look north. many come. eat at joe's. seven. kill the hobbits. for the sake of the women, daughter.

tobiascharity asks:
dear garlicdicer;

why is the little boy across the street different from me?

--the little girl on this side of the street

also, what came first, the cat or the envelope?

--kthnxbye
he is different from you because you are in michigan, dearie, and he is A CANADIAN ALIEN OMG AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SAVE YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and it was the cat, you silly girl.

nilvia, who is actually sylvia in disguise, asks:
Dear Garlicdicer,

Lenin keeps coming up to me in my dreams and asking for help, because he's married to Tom Cruise, and it's just not fun anymore. In other news, my friend is being pursued by green and red birds at every step she takes. She is afraid. Advice?

Love,
Nilvia (mynameisnotsylvia)

PS: bunnyorgasm.
lenin is obviously petrified by the recent changes in his lover's body. it is not the man he used to know -- the hormones he's taking make him curvier than lenin is used to, and lenin is afraid that after tom gets his boobs, things just won't be the same again. it is not the man he fell in love with, sylvia, you see. their marriage is a sham, a sham i say, and tom only wants him for his money and communist ways. lenin used to believe in love, his heart used to be giddy and in love once, and tom took advantage of this. he threw lenin's heart on the floor and it broke into little pieces, and tom spat and stomped on them angrily with his desire to become a woman. please help lenin. if you don't, no one else will.
green and red birds mean that it is almost christmas. but it's not. they are lying to you. the birds are lying to you in order to get you to be one of their human minions, a slave of birds who can be poked whenever the desire to do so arises. your friend must surrender, surrender at once to the birds, or else very bad things would happen. do the words "nuclear holocaust" mean anything to you? BEWARE!

mother asks:
mother dearest,
last night i was eating fondue in bed when a rat waring a hat and a green bat walked through my cheep sheep while she was asleep.eap. That made my pet crane (named Germaine) from spain eat grain and drink champagne while playing with it's pink train. how can i save my poor Germaine the crane from going insane?
iloveyou.

have a nice day.

yours,
teh garlic dicer

garlicdicer @ 2003-10-14T18:56:00

2003-10-14T17:09:24Z

hello, amigos!

today we are in the sign of jack cortez. even though, as your faithful garlic dicer discovered today on the history channel, his name is hernan. point is? jack cortez. he was pretty damn mean. now, on to the questions.

thegirlwhositsupathebar (who is actually our dear friend sylvia in disguise!) says:
Dear garlicdicer,

I am writing an assholeish character and a not so assholeish character. They have to go to dinner, have lots of UST, and hate each other. Can you think of another word for 'asshole', as it is the main theme in the story. Thankyou!

-- thegirlwhositsupathebar

dear sylvia. here are other words for asshole:
1. jerk.
2. bastard.
3. motherfucker.
4. motherfucking bastard.
5. butthole.
6. asswipe.
7. jackass.
8. asshat.
9. fucker.
10. horatio.
have fun! :) (mint julep.)

baffled in britain says:
Dear garlic dicer,

If I drop a piece of toast, it falls butter-side down. If I drop my cat, she always lands on her feet. What happens if I strap the toast to the cat's back?

Baffled in Britain.

dear baffled. if you strap the toast to the cat's back, then you will have a toast strapped to a cat's back. which i think is all any of us can hope for in this crazy world.

yours,
garlic dicer

garlicdicer @ 2003-09-27T12:52:00

2003-09-27T10:08:31Z

hello friends,

happy rosh hashanna to all of you. just cause. let's see. it's been wild times for the garlic dicer, who is so immersed in its own interests all the damn time: the west wing winning the emmy, the west wing premiering badly, the garlic dicer's mom not letting it bid on bradley whitford's tux for clothes off our back... wild. but you don't care about me, do you? you want your questions answered. so let's get on with it.

gambix says:
Dear garlicdicer,

Why are candy dots called dots when they're really not in the shape of dots at all?

dear gambix! ahh, the eternal question. to answer this question, i had to research the history of candy dots. our story begins in pennsylvania, home of the amish people. it actually begins in the home of an actual amish person and her family. the, uh. amishlastname family. the mother of the family, a slutty little thing named dorothy, was in the kitchen one afternoon. it had been a busy day: dorothy had to milk cows or whatever it is amish people do in their spare time. she decided to make small candy that is bad for your teeth and messes with your head. that was what is today known as candy dots, but then was only known as small candy that is bad for your teeth and messes with your head. dorothy basked in the glow of her candy until her husband came home and found her screwing the amish milkman. that is the happy story of candy dots, that are now named affectionately after dorothy, an exotic dancer in chicago, illinois.

mary marsh says:
oh dearest garlic dicer,

I am in love. Last night my nightlight started blinking and it turned into Jesus. He wants me to have premartial.....relations. What do I do? Should I give him my flower? What if I get...oh, you know.

I need help.

-Mary Marsh.

dear mary. for the love of god, do it. and when i say the love of god, i mean it. do you honestly think that virgin mary was a real virgin after a session of mindblowing sex with the holy spirit? TWICE? pfft. the garlic dicer thinks that you need to get porked, and fast. and stop fantasizing about wolves and ann stark! it is impure and at times, plain nasty. have a good day. tell jesus that he left his handcuffs over at my place.

that is all for the day. for anyone who is interested in my new icon: it is from my dear friend spatula spatula. i've decided, therefore, to abandon cyborg mallory for this post and honor spatula spatula as it well deserves.

yours,
garlic dicer

garlicdicer @ 2003-09-14T01:23:00

2003-09-13T22:36:07Z

hello,

today, i will only answer one question. first of all, because that is all i got this week. ugh. and second, because i feel that this is a question that needs to be answered right away.

flamingo in DC says:
hi garlicdicer.

i have a problem. see, there's this guy. (yeah, i know, lots of things start with "so, there's this guy.") anyway, i've known this guy forever, he's my best friend. and. and. i'm in love. we are. and the icing on the cake is, we work together. high profile, you know? that's why i can't leave my name.

help me, garlicdicer. national security depends on it-- er, um, i mean, not that i work someplace where that's a problem. um. shit.

sincerely,
flamingo in DC

dear flamingo. obviously you are very depressed. so snap out of it! ugh. i hate it when people just come and brag about their love life and then whine, "oh help me help me garlic dicer, i cannot live without your wise answers and dry wit!" well, dang. people like you piss me off. now that i've said this, i am going to say more things. well. i think you should just go out with him, flamingo. i think that if a fine man like this man i know nothing of is willing to tolerate a ridiculous-looking pink bird, then he is definitely the man for you. i say that first of all, you should kill his ex-wife. cause obviously he has one. then kill the zieg- his kids. even if they are cute. then comfort him. that would give you extra points in your relationship. the next thing you should do is build a bubble to cover the united states. that takes care of national security. that way, it's in the bag. i'm surprised you hadn't thought of doing this before. i mean, it's the obvious solution to your problem. you were probably meant to be, from what i know, which is not much. there is a chance that your love is very very pure. but hell, what do i know, i'm just an obscure kitchen item. or am i? maybe it's a matter of national security.

yours,
garlic dicer

garlicdicer @ 2003-09-01T18:52:00

2003-09-01T16:06:22Z

hello.

hiss. scratch. spit. this is a time of danny concannon dislike and other fun things like biotechnology mocking and leaf peeping. by the way, would like to mention that the girl in mary-louise parker award-winning movie 'five senses' does in fact commit leaf peeping. it's indeed a sight to see!

on to the questions.

anonymous, who will be called "sylvia", asks:
Dear garlicdicer,
I find I can't write about anything apart from cheap sex and travel. also sometime i Suffer from bad grammar. is This a medical condition or something? Please help me, for I am going slowly insane and this is not good.

ahh, sylvia. you have gotten your head pretty badly turned by the consumption of scorpions. i sense this about you, sylvia, you little pervertic drunk. uhm. anyway. cheap sex and travel are wonderful plot devices, so i suggest adding a little death into the mix and see how it works out for you. s'what i did, and look where i am today. okay, maybe you shouldn't. but i'm sure that if you stop going to edible.com, things will surely be better for you. uh huh. also. eat more sugar. it makes you hyper and you'll write about blood, too. i know what i'm saying here.

mother says:
mother dear,
Cold glasses of water sing to me, but yet warm ones don't. what do you think it means?

it means that your glasses, when cold, are possessed by the devil! raaghh!!! i suggest you'd run. RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN.

All Tied Up says:
Dear Garlic Dicer:
I enjoy being called Shoelace. I, in fact, enjoy wearing Shoelaces. I've stolen one from a boy and I now wear it on my arm. My question is this: should I got the next step and construct a thong, or is that taking it too far? I would buy a new shoelace for hygenic purposes.
Sincerely
All Tied Up

oh, dear. don't you know that shoelaces are to be untied? mmhmm. they are. therefore, you are to be untied. i suggest switching to tampons, because those last all day, i hear. but, i am but a poor garlic dicer and therefore do not know things of tampons or things of shoelaces. but ah! all tied up, what you need to do, is move on with the times! velcro is here and it loves us all! mm. velcro. you'll be called names like velcro, and all.. stuck up.. oh nevermind. velcro's fun. yep. it's also, i'd imagine, more hygenic than a shoelace and less.. painful. once you move on to velcro, we'll discuss the thong option.

well, friends. this is all for now. goodbye to you and to your leaf-peeping, shoelace-using, scorpion-consuming families. adios.

yours,
garlic dicer

garlicdicer @ 2003-08-30T13:22:00

2003-08-30T10:29:32Z

hello friends!

ah. back to school. bookbags and notebooks and all the summer homework we never did complete float around us, along with the constant dread of rich kids, early hours and homework. yep. tomorrow, some of us will face horrors. this causes a lot of anxiety amongst my peers and yes, even myself. this causes the following questions (and yes. the following answers.)

"kitty," also known as my mother and daughter (not the biological one), asks:
frogs,spoons and watermelons look at me funny, what should i do?

well, mother. it is obvious to me that you are haunted by shadows of your past. what you need to do is to throw a frog, a spoon and a watermelon into a bag. then burn them. that'll teach the other frogs, spoons and watermelons to watch out. you will be a badass, daughter. you will rule the world! or! not! hm. yes. sure.

mother asks:
Dear garlic dicer,
my name is very long and i come from a brown little town.
Lately i have noticed that my toast is fluffy, what should i do to make it fluffiness free?

eat fresh toasts. stop going through my trash. crazy lady.

well, this is all for now, friends. i hope you, too, learned something. i sure as hell did.

yours,
garlic dicer

garlicdicer @ 2003-08-26T17:18:00

2003-08-26T14:27:41Z

hello.

many of my minions - er, friends - address me with little questions about their lives, every now and then. well, let's admit it, all the damn time. today, i've decided that i have the capacity, the ability - nay, the privilege - to help make the world a better place. it does not matter how i came to this realization, or why i chose this clever alias as a disguise. i am here to answer your little questions. to solve the world's riddles. it's not that i care about any of you. it's just that i want glory, and if possible, being showered with money and presents like a sheik. (by the way, my birthday is june 12 and i look very sexy in black.)

anyway.

think of me as just the helpful garlic dicer that you need. i will be here, and my friends spatula and she-who-lacks-a-kitchen-apply-name will sometimes join me. it'll be fun. :p

yours,
garlic dicer

[if you want garlic dicer to answer your questions, head over to the comments section!]